Random photoblogging

Idly scrolling through the snaps on my phone's camera...

Sculpture on a mound above Furzton Lake, Milton Keynes. The lake and surroundings are well-tended, but the mound has become a bit overgrown, giving this scene a faint air of those neglected Soviet-era sculptures in the former Eastern Bloc.

Although he's too young to know about Twitter, my son drew this picture of a rampaging robot flame-breathing egg in school, which sums up the state of the Twittersphere with uncanny accuracy.

Chickens. Because everything is better with chickens.

After seeing this I went home, took the vase of flowers off the mantelpiece and replaced it with a hammer drill.

Caledecotte Lake, Milton Keynes, in the evening sun.

The offspring hits peak peak in Peak District.

Snow in Newport Pagnell. Not remarkable in itself, but this was the beginning of March, for crying out loud.

We want our vote

Even without Trump's Wag the Dog moment, the BBC would probably have ignored this story, so here's a shout out to all the under-appreciated folk who turned out today to take back control of our democracy:

Thousands of activists will take to the streets on Saturday as part of a national day of action to demonstrate public support for a vote on the final Brexit deal.

Several pro-EU organisations have joined forces to mount an attack on the government’s Brexit plans with more than 350 events across the country, ahead of the launch of a £1m campaign demanding the opportunity to stay in the EU if the people want to...

...As well as flagship events in 12 cities, ranging from Weston-super-Mare to Edinburgh, there will also be thousands of supporters setting up stalls and leafleting in both Remain and Leave areas.

The European Movement stall outside Milton Keynes Central station today

No fish were harmed.

A spotter's guide to Caucasian wingnuts

"From pollination to the Caucasian wingnut's first released seed you could have taken 28,478,544 steps." Message set into a paving stone outside the Network Rail building, Milton Keynes.

The Caucasian wingnut (AKA the Caucasian walnut), Pterocarya fraxinifolia, is a deciduous tree, native to the Caucasus/Iran region. Apparently, it can grow up to 20m high, bears small green winged nutlets and its dark wood is often used in veneers, so it can't, unlike certain other Caucasian wingnuts I could mention, be accused of being neither use nor ornament.

Angry waters

Bank holiday Monday, England. Incessant rain falls from a colourless sky and anger rules the tiny greyish waves on the ornamental lake.

"We have heard rumblings"

It's not my place to tell other people how to do their jobs, but what the hell. Here's a template for schools, showing how not to communicate with parents:

"Re: staffing for next year. All staff are fully qualified and experienced teachers who we check carefully. We have heard rumblings from parents who may have concerns. Please come and speak to Mrs [redacted] so you can be reassured. No negative comments on here please. We always endeavour to listen and work with you. Thank you [redacted]."

"Why don't we just put any information that parents might need to hear in one place, on the school website?"

"Because we're down with the kids; we're all about social media, sharing and interactivity! Let's create a Facebook group and use that to keep in touch with parents! They'll love it! They can tell us how great we are, share cute photos and everything!"

"But what about parents who don't do Facebook?"

"La, la, la, not listening!"

"And if you invite people to interact, doesn't that create a systemic risk of people sharing things you'd prefer they spoke privately to staff about? Isn't the result just curated, fake interactivity, that pretends to welcome sharing and feedback, but patronises parents like naughty five year olds if they say anything that isn't positive?"

"BORING!!!"

For the record, I haven't used Facebook in about a decade and don't know the specifics of what the parents in question had been "rumbling" about. I just think the whole set-up is asking for trouble, as well as being annoying to non-Facebook users like me.

People shouldn't need a Facebook account in order to do important things like keeping in touch with their children's schools.

Football League shows Dons how to lecture Wombles

"AFC Wimbledon have been charged by the Football League for failing to use MK Dons’ full name during September’s League One clash between the side[s].

Wimbledon called the visitors Milton Keynes or MK, using the latter on the scoreboard, and did not use the team’s badge in the programme."

James Benge

I'm just waiting for the Association of University Teachers to get in on the act and point out that members of the MK team have no business calling themsleves Dons when not one single member of their squad has ever taught at a higher education institution. Guys, you either need to go back to Wimbledon, or break into academia (and that last point goes for you, too, Hamilton Academical FC).

I, for one, look forward to the day when the Dons will be known, not only for their fancy footwork, but for their esoteric, meticulously-researched lectures on number theory, or tax administration in the late Byzantine Empire.

Atypical British bank holiday weather

The River Great Ouse at Newport Pagnell. The weather's been scorching, we had a dip in the cool, inviting water and saw a grass snake swim across the river, coming out of those reeds and slithering into the undergrowth on the opposite bank.

A timely reminder that there's more to life than whingeing about the state of the world.

Twee for two

Newport Pagnell resident shocks friends with this one weirdly specific trick:

"Vintage Teapot" Cake Decoration Workshop
17th June - 10am - 4.30pm
This 1 day workshop will enable you to create a vintage teapot cake and decorate a sugar teacup.
You will learn how to:

• Sculpt cake to achieve a 3 D effect
• Cover and smooth fondant
• Design your colour scheme
• Use molds
• Hand paint sugar fondant

Just £89 per person
Places are limited to just 8 per class

Spotted on a town noticeboard, in a town which currently supports a population of about 15,000 people and two cake decorating shops.

Not that I've got anything against novelty cakes, as such, but context is everything. Mastering the skill needed to come up with this sort of whimsical creation would be perfectly fine if you did it only once, for a very special event, or to impress the Great British Bake Off judges, but paying to reproduce it in a ninety-quid-a-pop cake-decoration-by-numbers workshop? Really? Is it just me, or is that a bit bonkers?

Whose priorities?

Council housing in Milton Keynes is to undergo a £1bn makeover - half a century since it was established as a new town.

Priority has been given to seven housing estates across the borough deemed in urgent need of repair - and potentially - demolition....

...Milton Keynes was a pioneering housing development when it was was officially designated a town in January 1967.

But many of its early housing estates are now considered tired, run-down and in need of maintenance and structural repair.

Seven council estates have been given priority - Netherfield, Coffee Hall, Tinkers Bridge, North Bradville, Fullers Slade, the Lakes and Beanhill.

A timetable for the regeneration was announced on Wednesday, with the first letters sent out to people living in Fullers Slade.

BBC News, 26th of April 2017

The Fullers Slade estate was put up in something of a hurry in late 1971:

Milton Keynes, was badly suffering from shortage of skilled labour and contractors due to its huge building programme and distances from existing conurbations. There were attempts to design housing by using simplified and if possible use factory built or repetitive elements of construction where possible.

The first housing scheme near Stony Stratford, Galley Hill, was nearing completion and DOE’s granted permission for the same contractor to continue working on Fullers Slade provided the work continued from first site to the second. This imposed a much reduced design period (almost two months) and resulted in a simpler layout and quick decision making.  Long delivery periods for bricks made it necessary to use diagonal cedar boarding as external cladding and a concrete system using a box system of shutters was used  on a standardised 3.60m module for all dwellings.

Iqbal Aalam
 
Assuming the current plans are on schedule, any long-term residents of these hastily-constructed estates will have been waiting over four and a half decades for their first regeneration. In the same period, Doctor Who has regenerated nine times. I leave you to work out what this says about our society's hierarchy of needs.

Startling liberality ain't what it used to be

CHEAP BEER Mr. E. Garnett of No. 1, Stratford Road, Wolverton, having recently obtained a licence to sell beer of the premises, the Stratford town-crier paid Wolverton a visit on the morning of Saturday week, announcing that all persons who purchased ale from Mr. Garnett on that day, would receive a pint and a half as a pint, and those who ordered a quart would receive three pints, and so on in proportion. In consequence of this somewhat startling announcement a very great number of persons availed themselves of this very liberal offer.

Leighton Buzzard Observer, Tuesday 19th October 1869 (via the Wolverton Past blog).

FREE

wi-fi,

great

BEER

Enticing offer seen on the chalk board outside the Dolphin pub, Newport Pagnell, some time last year. Nice try, but I didn't avail myself...

Shell company

Most of us can think of local amenities that we don't have, but would like to see. Where I live, we've got most of our day-to-day needs covered within a short distance, but there's always room for improvement. I'd be happy to see a bookshop on our high street. My wife would be happier with our local gym if it had a steam room. I'm sure others have their own wanted lists.

The good news is that a new amenity is coming to town. And it's certainly going to be unique:

The £2.5million complex which is to open next year along Sherington Road, Newport Pagnell, will include the world's first fully operational vintage Shell petrol station, a vintage drive-thru diner, 1950s coffee bar, classic car show rooms, period retailing and office space.

Mr Pacey, who actually lives in the town, said: "Newport Pagnell has 200 years of motoring history, from Salmon Coachmakers to Aston Martin.

"This will be a unique selling point for the town which like other market towns has suffered from the internet and shopping centres, but I believe as the first vintage Shell garage in the world it will be a great visitor attraction."

Of course, some things are unique for a very good reason and I'm not entirely convinced that there is a massive pent-up demand from people whose idea of a good time is shopping and working in a faux 1950s version of Newport Pagnell Services.

In fact, as the whole idea sounds like a satire on the consumer society dreamt up by J G Ballard after going to bed on a cheese toastie, I hope there isn't. But maybe I'm just not aspirational enough, lifestyle-wise.

Mind you, the " period retailing" idea does sound intriguing - will the retail experience feature an extensive range of ladies' sanitary products, or will goods be strictly rationed, authentic 1950s style? I can hardly wait to find out.

I may have to wait, though - if memory serves, this guy's last venture in town was a now-closed shop on the High Street called "The Magic of Motoring" or something like that. It sold high-priced vintage and pretend-vintage Shell-branded memorabilia, or would have done, as it never seemed to be open. In the end, we decided that the permanently-closed shop must have been a front for some elaborate tax fiddle, or money laundering operation.

Legal note - we thought this as a joke. As far as I know, no organisation associated with actual tax avoidance and money laundering has had a presence on Newport Pagnell High Street since HSBC closed its local branch earlier this year. And the "Shell company" in the post title has everything to do with the oil company referenced by Tony Curtis in Some Like It Hot and nothing at all to do with Mossack Fonseca. Glad we cleared that up.

Obscure anniversary of the day

Only in Milton Keynes...

Elf and safety

Spotted by my wife, earlier today at Stadium MK. A fire drill in progress, featuring a multitude of trainee Christmas elves, in full dress, flooding out of the building, under the watchful eyes of designated hi-viz-wearing persons. Good to see the elvish hordes working to keep the magic alive.

Unlike, say, the Coca Cola company which has SNUBBED Milton Keynes by not including it on the itinerary for a seasonal visit from its iconic red Coke truck, it says here. Because Christmas just won't be Christmas if you can't take a seasonal selfie with a truck covered with fizzy drink branding outside the Asda superstore in  Milton Keynes.

Piggate for common people

Seen on page 9 of this week's MK News:

Man oinked at neighbours

A man who taunted his neighbours over their weight was found guilty of breaching a restraining order on Friday at Luton Magistrate's Court.

Stephen Aylott, 53, of Eleanor Close in Woburn, made oinking noises, called them pigs and threw weight loss magazines over the fence.

Living proof that you don't necessarily have to be an ex-member of the Bullingdon or Piers Gaveston clubs to be thoroughly unpleasant and a bit weird. Top marks to Mr Aylott for living the dream, presumably without the benefit of an expensive private education.

Say cheese, but don't try to eat the camera

 

Like somebody who's spent too much time doing repetitive exercises at the gym, the head's a bit out of focus, but the bum's crisply defined. All the same, I quite like this photo, blurry head and all (that's what you get when the subject tries to eat the camera lens).

World, meet Mrs Cluck, one third of our astonishingly prolific egg production team.

Funnel vision

Milton Keynes Chamber of Commerce has told me me that it is proud to present a series of FREE business seminars at the Milton Keynes Novotel and has kindly invited me to come along. I can tell you're already impressed and maybe just a little jealous.

Anyhow, I took a look at the blub for the first seminar, being hosted by a 'lead generation, automated telephone marketing and telephone coaching' company that goes by the name of Lenahan Ltd. 'Lead generation is the life blood of any business without a steady flow of potential customers entering in to the sales funnel the business will not only stop growing it will stagnate [sic]', it says here.

Excuse me, did you really type the words 'sales funnel?' With a straight face?

Is your sales funnel a bit like the social media engagement funnel? Or more like the horizontal process funnel? Can I 'Multiple My Income By 2x, Even 3x Times With My Own Highly Profitable Lead Generating Cash-Sucking Sales Funnel!? [sic]' Or just relentlessly jam it into anything that smells like money? Do tell.

It's very nice of the Chamber to ask me along, but this does sound like the sort of seminar that's less likely to answer punters' questions than to generate a bunch of new ones, like 'Why can't a firm of marketing and communications professionals punctuate?' and  'Why do business people speak like idiots?'

I could rock up at the Novotel, just for the craic, but I reckon that actually listening to these people in the flesh would make me involuntarily spray the complimentary coffee out of my nose and, as any fule kno, the rapid outflow of caffeinated beverages exiting from the customer-facing nasal funnels can lead to a catastrophic stagnation of lead generation and to the diversion of cash-flow in the direction of a large dry cleaning bill.

Old leaves turning

I passed this (cherry?) tree earlier today and the cascading speckle of ovals and rich, coppery colours were so stunningly perfect that I just had to go back for a picture. The most skilled jewellers have struggled for millennia to match the careless beauty that nature throws away every year.

In general, November is one of my least favourite months, promising nothing but deeper darkness, chill and ever more Christmas tat, with a side order of cabin fever until until the light starts coming back in mid-February, if you're lucky. Then, just when I've decided we're approaching the deepest, darkest pit of the year, nature comes up with one of her "I think to myself, what a wonderful world" moments and even I stop being a miserable old curmudgeon for a while.

Sunday service

I'm just back from church. No, I haven't asked Jesus into my heart or anything like that - I just felt that it would be polite to be there for the last service taken by the retiring rector of the Benifice of Newport Pagnell, seeing as he married me a couple of years ago (to my wife, I mean - the Church of England may be getting more relaxed and open-minded, but they're not quite that open-minded).

Anyway, I was quite impressed by the organ music that opened the service. I stopped enjoying Vivaldi's Four Seasons years ago - way too overused as irritating elevator/call-centre hold music, back in the day - but it makes an upbeat, rousing anthem when transcribed for the organ and I actually found myself liking "Spring" again for the first time in years. See what you think:

Toxic horsemeat and Trekkies

I've nothing in particular against Liberal Democrat councillors. They didn't sign the coalition agreement and they may well be lovely people, doing good things in local communities. According to our latest local Lib Dem flyer, our lot have successfully 'fought the Conservative run Council's proposals to scrap grit bins', had a pedestrian crossing built at a sensible place in our road (check - I can see it from where I'm writing) and, following complaints from residents in one of the roads coming off ours, they've had a new "no through road" sign put up. Maybe councillors with different affiliations would have done similar things, but I'm happy to give them the credit for actually having got them done.

And then they go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like 'I love you':

It's a 2 horse race on 22nd May. The local election on 22nd May is between the local Lib Dem Focus Team candidates and the Conservatives. Labour has come third in this area for many years. A vote for any candidate other than the Lib Dems could let the Conservatives in.

This may be true in terms of the local electoral arithmetic and tactical voting, but if you actually wanted to toxify your own brand in one short message, then that message would be 'why not vote Lib Dem to keep the Tories out?' [long pause to let the bitter laughter subside]:
Apologies for including another party political broadcast, especially a negative attack ad, but this one does hit the nail on the head (even if it doesn't seem to be doing Labour much good - maybe they should have saved it up for the general election).

It must be terribly depressing to be a progressive Lib Dem at the moment, whether you're looking down at the grit bins, or up at the stars:

In order to be certain, we then ran an analysis of the 100 TV programmes that are most particularly favoured by supporters of each of the three main parties. Sure enough, while only 2 of Conservative voters’ and 6 of Labour voters’ top 100 TV shows are related to science, science fiction or the supernatural, it is 17 of the Lib Dem top 100. The full results will be published next week, but in case you’re wondering the list includes Doctor Who, Red Dwarf, Futurama, Being Human, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Tomorrow’s World.

Is this evidence of the Liberal Democrat ability to think big, and imagine a better world in the future? Is it true that “Science Fiction is a crutch for people who can’t handle reality”? Or is it the other way round...

Freddie Sayers of YouGov

My take on this is that a preference for science, SF and fantasy is evidence of an enquiring mind and a welcome ability to imagine alternatives to the tyranny of the zeitgeist (even if a lot of science fiction and fantasy is really about current issues, rather than distant planets and dragons, it's still an analysis or critique of the present, rather than mere dumb acceptance of the status quo). Of course, not all Sci Fi and fantasy has a progressive agenda, but Freddie Sayers has evidence that Lib Dems like the stuff that does:

It all started in May last year, when we ran a survey on Star Wars and Star Trek. Asked which series they prefer, the country as a whole narrowly prefers Star Wars (29% to 27%). But Liberal Democrat supporters buck the trend, with 36% preferring Star Trek and 20% preferring Star Wars.

As commentator Martin points out:

That Star Wars and Star Trek poll is interesting. Star Trek is basically a manifesto of progressivism. It is an idealistic world of diversity, open borders and no religion where money and capitalism are bad while government and science is good. I would have thought the conservatives would absolutely adore Star Wars, which is basically a gang of old school heroes (Han Solo the cowboy, Leia the Princess, and our hero, the quite Jesus-like Luke) going up against big government with nothing but spiritual faith and a great sense of missing the good old days of the Old Republic. It seems to me like Star Trek is explores the same world John Lennon dreamed about in 'Imagine', while there is really no wonder Reagan embraced Star Wars imagery and mythology in combatting the evil Soviet Empire.
But yeah, this basically is no surprise when you consider that much of sci-fi fits in with the Lib Dem attitude and psyche.

It must be an enormous bummer to be a progressive in a party with leaders who have abandoned the dream of boldly going where no one has gone before by joining the Dark Side and propping up a party for people who'd rather live a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

 ________________________

Update - if you didn't like the two party political broadcasts I've embedded, I suggest you feast your eyes and ears on the Worst Party Political Broadcast Ever. It's by the English Democrats, (a sort of cut-price, Celt-free version of UKIP) and looks like something slapped together by the English Tourist Board on an off day, intercut with shots of a bloke in a field holding up cards with various xenophobic slogans and statues of  the great and good from the Michael Gove list of approved English heroes, all set to an acoustic dirge, apparently performed by Billy Bragg's evil right-wing twin that goes:

Build a pride,
Hear the call,
From Land's End to Hadrian's Wall,
This is England,
The land of Saint George 

Hat tip to Tom Pride, who embeds the whole atrocity here.

Update 2 -Interestingly, the local Conservatives have just delivered their leaflet, in which they also claim credit for the local grit bin/pedestrian crossing triumph. I might be tempted to try and find out which of the twio parties is lying to me,* if there was a snowball in hell's chance of me voting for either of the above. Which there isn't.

*Of course, there's a third possibility, namely that both parties had a hand in delivering these things, in which case, they're both telling half-truths (or half-lies, if you're a glass half empty person), by claiming all the credit. If this is the true scenario, then the Lib Dems come out as slightly bigger liars than the Conservatives, by virtue of not only claiming all the credit for the grit bins, but claiming that the nasty Conservatives would have taken them away. But I'm way too swiched off by both parties to care which one is telling the biggest fibs in this case.

Cakes that ought to sell like hot cakes

A brief pause to stop and celebrate one of the good things in life. Newport Pagnell's high street hasn't been in the most robust health over the last few years; familiar names closing down, an excess of charity shops (there's nothing wrong with charity shops in themselves, but they're an indicator species of a degraded retail ecosystem) and all that's before the Tesco supermarket that's colonising the old Aston Martin site has opened and sucked its portion of trade out of the high street.

There is at least one superb shop that thoroughly deserves to buck the trend, though. PicNic's, at 63 High Street is an establishment of which I'm not entirely sure we're worthy. A fine selection of delicious home-made cakes, superb sausage rolls (with mustard seeds in the sausage meat) an extensive range of sandwiches and soups and the occasional, generally successful, culinary experiment (rye bread pizza with sun-dried tomatoes was a bit out there, but it worked) and all very reasonably priced.

For the record, no money, food or other consideration has changed hands in connection with this blog post - this is not an infomercial. I just think it's a cracking local business and, speaking as a man who likes his food, I wish it well.