Friday, 6 February 2015

Funnel vision

Milton Keynes Chamber of Commerce has told me me that it is proud to present a series of FREE business seminars at the Milton Keynes Novotel and has kindly invited me to come along. I can tell you're already impressed and maybe just a little jealous.

Anyhow, I took a look at the blub for the first seminar, being hosted by a 'lead generation, automated telephone marketing and telephone coaching' company that goes by the name of Lenahan Ltd. 'Lead generation is the life blood of any business without a steady flow of potential customers entering in to the sales funnel the business will not only stop growing it will stagnate [sic]', it says here.

Excuse me, did you really type the words 'sales funnel?' With a straight face?

Is your sales funnel a bit like the social media engagement funnel? Or more like the horizontal process funnel? Can I 'Multiple My Income By 2x, Even 3x Times With My Own Highly Profitable Lead Generating Cash-Sucking Sales Funnel!? [sic]' Or just relentlessly jam it into anything that smells like money? Do tell.

It's very nice of the Chamber to ask me along, but this does sound like the sort of seminar that's less likely to answer punters' questions than to generate a bunch of new ones, like 'Why can't a firm of marketing and communications professionals punctuate?' and  'Why do business people speak like idiots?'

I could rock up at the Novotel, just for the craic, but I reckon that actually listening to these people in the flesh would make me involuntarily spray the complimentary coffee out of my nose and, as any fule kno, the rapid outflow of caffeinated beverages exiting from the customer-facing nasal funnels can lead to a catastrophic stagnation of lead generation and to the diversion of cash-flow in the direction of a large dry cleaning bill.