Thursday, 16 June 2016

Dating advice for cartoon dogs

Red, hat-wearing, dog: Hello!
Yellow, hatless, dog: Hello!
Red, hat-wearing, dog: Do you like my hat?
Yellow, hatless, dog: I do not.
Red, hat-wearing, dog: Good-by!*
Yellow, hatless, dog: Good-by!
From Go, dog. Go! By P D Eastman. Raquel D'Apice is unimpressed by Yellow Hatless Dog and isn't afraid to say so in An Open Letter to the Female Hat-Wearing Dog From “Go Dog, Go” :
If you’re seeking approval because you’re itching to be in a relationship right now, know that there are other fish in the sea and, more importantly, bazillions of other dogs in this book. Without even looking I found some big dogs and some little dogs going around in cars. I found a red dog on a blue tree. I found a green dog on a yellow tree. I found two dogs in a house on a boat in the water and three dogs at a party on a boat at night. All of whom seem single, ready to mingle, and possibly capable of empathy. The female-to-male dog ratio in this book is totally in your favor so why are you selling yourself short???

Forget this dude who isn’t into your hats! It shouldn’t be hard—he is so completely and totally forgettable because P.D. Eastman draws all dogs more or less identically. And yet like so many cartoon female dogs, you only have eyes for some generic nobody who can’t see how freaking fantastic you are. You confront this guy a third time, desperately searching for the hat validation that since childhood you’ve been told you need.

IT IS NOT ABOUT THE HAT—ARE YOU LISTENING??? It doesn’t matter if he likes your hat or not. I want you to feel the burning radiation of your self-worth as you say, “THIS IS ME. THIS IS WHO I AM. IF YOU’RE NOT INTO ME BECAUSE I’M WEARING AN UNCOMFORTABLY LONG SKI HAT, MAYBE THIS IS NOT THE RIGHT RELATIONSHIP FOR EITHER OF US.”


*[sic (don't know what happened to the "e")]