Monday, 9 May 2011

Conspiracy theory of the day

After Commander-in Chief Obama OK'd the successful mission to get rid of America's Public Enemy no. 1, Donald Trump and the right-wing wingnuts who'd been obsessing about his birth certificate were left looking a bit foolish. On the whole, these don't seem like the sort of folk who change their opinions just because the facts change, so I was prepared for the standard conspiracy theories ("they didn't show us the pictures of Bin Laden with half his head blown off, so how do we know he's really dead?"). But I've just come across a new conspiracy theory that's so elaborately, ingeniously, bonkers that it almost counts as a work of art. It goes like this:

Obama was never really interested in killing or apprehending the world's most infamous mass murderer, (obviously, because there's noting a pinko liberal like Obama loves better than a authoritarian, reactionary fundamentalist). What Obama was interested in was disguising the shocking fact that he wasn't born in the USA. To do so, he hatched a cunning plan that just happened to involve killing Bin Laden.

First, after coming up with ridiculous excuses, (like being too busy doing more important stuff like running the USA), Obama eventually got round to showing Trump, and the world's media, a copy of his full birth certificate. The birth certificate was (of course) a fake. A lesser man would have tried to produce a convincing fake, but according to at least one eagle-eyed "birther", that tricky Obama may have deliberately littered the document with obvious anomalies, such as 'multiple layers, mis-matched fonts, hi-res scan of numbers clearly overlayed in juxtaposition to low-res scan numbers, etc'. These deliberate mistakes would have formed part of a fiendishly clever "sting" operation, primarily intended to make the birthers look like fools.  But for this diabolical plan to work, Obama needed to have Bin Laden killed.

Apparently 'Barack Obama was getting nearly weekly briefings on how George Bush's intelligence apparatus was closing in on Osama since the middle of March, 2011' (I love that detail - Obama's been siting in the White House as C in C since January 2009, but somehow, in 2011,  it's still 'George Bush's intelligence apparatus'). Obama could have signed the order to go get him any time since March, but deliberately chose not to send in the Navy SEALS until immediately after releasing his (deliberately) crudely faked birth certificate. He sent them in with cameras which, according to this theory, is highly suspicious, since, 'SEALs don't carry unnecessary equipment, they don't take photos like tourists at the National Mall.' The SEALS went in, killed Bin Laden, and, most crucially, took snaps of his dead body, which was then disposed of at sea.

The official cover story is that no photos of Bin Laden's body have been released because they would have only inflamed the situation and because the folks in White House thought the whole idea a bit gross. In fact, the reason they haven't been released lies at the heart of Obama's devilish plan to smear those brave truth-seekers who have called his birth certificate into question. Bin Laden, according to this theory, is unquestionably dead. By having photos taken of his dead body, then withholding them, Obama has cleverly managed to make anybody who questions his birth certificate look like a deluded idiot. Here's the reasoning in its full, glorious, pottyness:

Once the SEALS accomplished their mission and got the photos - and the photos were the real point of the whole mission - Obama then pulled the same trick with the photos that he had just spent several years playing with his birth certificate: "Yes, we had the body, but you can't see that. The fish are eating it. Yes, I have the photos, but you can't see them either. Everyone will say they are doctored. I have all the evidence, you don't get anything, you just have to take my word."

He intends to conflate people who still have legitimate questions about his birth certificate and his status as "natural born citizen" with the Elvis, Hitler and soon-to-be Osama sighters. Anyone who questions his version of the story on either subject is stonewalled. And his version of the story isn't exactly consistent. It's as if they are deliberately trying to confuse the truth.

To summarise, these folks might look like swivel-eyed conspiracy nuts to you and me, but that's only because the liberal establishment have engineered a a huge and elaborate disinformation operation to make them look like a bunch of gibbering fruitloops. I'm indebted to Steve Kellmeyer author of the reliably off-the-scale-bonkers Fifth Columm blog for blowing the whistle on this dastardly plan, braving the clear and present danger of being abducted by mysterious black helicopters.

Fantastic stuff, in every sense. Watch the skies, Steve...