Tuesday, 21 April 2015

Katie Hopkins, film critic

I love the smell of bullshit in the morning...
Today in entertainment news, I can exclusively reveal the appointment of celebrity pundit Katie Hopkins as the Sun's newest film critic. Here's the acclaimed columnist at work on her review of Apocalypse Med, an ultraviolent action movie which doesn't literally exist in our world but is graphically real inside Katie's head:
Suddenly she began writing in sheer panic, only imperfectly aware of what she was setting down. Her small but childish handwriting straggled up and down the page, shedding first its capital letters and finally even its full stops:

April 4th 21st, 1984 2015. Last night to the flicks. All war films. One very good one of a ship full of refugees being bombed somewhere in the Mediterranean. Audience much amused by shots of a great huge fat man trying to swim away with a helicopter after him, first you saw him wallowing along in the water like a porpoise, then you saw him through the helicopters gunsights, then he was full of holes and the sea round him turned pink and he sank as suddenly as though the holes had let in the water, audience shouting with laughter when he sank. then you saw a lifeboat full of children with a helicopter hovering over it. there was a middle-aged woman might have been a jewess sitting up in the bow with a little boy about three years old in her arms. little boy screaming with fright and hiding his head between her breasts as if he was trying to burrow right into her and the woman putting her arms round him and comforting him although she was blue with fright herself, all the time covering him up as much as possible as if she thought her arms could keep the bullets off him. then the helicopter planted a 20 kilo bomb in among them terrific flash and the boat went all to matchwood. then there was a wonderful shot of a child's arm going up up up right up into the air a helicopter with a camera in its nose must have followed it up and there was a lot of applause from the party seats but a woman down in the prole part of the house suddenly started kicking up a fuss and shouting they didnt oughter of showed it not in front of kids they didnt it aint right not in front of kids it aint until the police turned her turned her out i dont suppose anything happened to her nobody cares what the proles say typical prole reaction they never

Katie stopped writing, partly because she was suffering from cramp. She did not know what had made her pour out this stream of rubbish... 
In other news, sources close to Katie Hopkins have confirmed that, as well as writing reviews of imaginary movies, Katie will be continuing with her regular opinion pieces for the Sun, now to be published under the exciting new title The Two Minutes Hate.