Wednesday, 2 May 2012

Jolly voting weather

In the light of Jacob Rees-Mogg's latest pronouncement, I'm wondering whether anybody has him down as a dangerous security risk. Dangerous, that is, to the credibility and re-electability of his fellow old Etonian, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson.

It's difficult to imagine anything more damaging to Boris's credentials as a champion of the ordinary Londoner on the Clapham omnibus, than a leaked YouTube vid of Jacob Rees-Mogg and BoJo reminiscing about the jolly old alma mater and swapping Latin tags over a rather fine vintage port. With the election almost within his grasp, it's almost impossible to exaggerate the severity of the threat to BoJo's street cred. A last minute encounter with Jacob Rees-Mogg would be mayoral kryptonite. He'd be like Abu Qatada in bespoke tweeds. He clearly needs to be kept away from Boris at all costs.

Fortunately, the authorities are already moving some pretty impressive hardware into place to secure the Olympics against the Terrorist Threat. All they need to do is park a few missile launchers atop City Hall to defend Boris against the clear and present danger of Rees-Mogg dropping in for a quick sherry and take the Moggster out if he attempts to penetrate the exclusion zone.

Some might argue that blasting the Right Honourable Member to kingdom come with heavy ordnance might be something of a PR gaffe in itself, but desperate times call for desperate measures. For a start, we are so all in this together that members of the overclass need to muck in, get with the program and show a bit of noblesse oblige and self-sacrifice, for the good of the party. Besides, if you've got the security services on side, they could always conveniently fail to find the missing person for a week, and start to leak a few rumours to explain his untimely demise.

The only part of my cunning plan that I haven't quite thought through yet, is whether the cover story to account for the Moggster's death should be plausible (
'he died in a bizarre croquet  accident') or less plausible, but on-message with the important "we're all in this together" theme, ('he choked on his Gregg's pasty').

If David Cameron's looking for another blue-skies cunning plan-meister to replace Steve Hilton, his people can contact me via this blog.