Look out! Marshmallows!

"I'm making pillows. Burn them slowly, keeps them fluffy! Mmmmmm, pillows."

"Don't leave the duck there. It's totally irresponsible. Put it on the swing, it'll have much more fun."

"Your mum's at the door again. Bury me. Bury me deep."

"You can stop clapping now if you want. Really. You'll need your energy for cheering me later. Shhhhhhhh. shhhhhhhh."

I've just found another thing to be grateful for. I don't talk in my sleep (although I've been told that I sometimes howl in an alarming manner) and if I did, I'm fairly certain that my partner wouldn't record my sleeping utterances, then share them with the world via the Internet. But I'm glad that somebody else's significant other decided to do just that. Click here for the surreal transcripts, which are funnier than at least 50% of all the scripted comedy I've ever heard. Via.

"I'd rather peel off my skin and bathe my weeping raw flesh in a bath of vinegar than spend any time with you. But that's just my opinion. Don't take it personally."